183: The Three Levels of Connection (Revisited in 2026)
A Framework for Building Real Connection With Your Team
We first explored this framework in 2022. Whether your team is fully remote, hybrid, or in the office, the challenge remains the same: moving past the noise to find real connection. Building intentional connection is not optional—it's a leadership requirement.
Most business owners are good at asking questions about the business. Revenue, pipeline, obstacles, next steps.
What most of them aren't good at is asking the kind of questions that tell them who they're actually working with.
A few years back, I came across a framework from behavioral researcher Vanessa Van Edwards that breaks the questions we ask into levels. I still use it. More importantly, I've watched it change the way leaders show up for their teams.
Here's what it looks like in practice.
Level Zero: The Ones That Don't Count
"How are you?" and "What do you do?" are greetings disguised as questions — emotionally neutral and signal disengagement. They generate noise, not connection.
If those are the only questions you're asking your team, you're not building connection. You're generating noise.
Level One: Open the Door
Level One questions are simple. They're not profound — but they're real.
What was the highlight of your day?
What are you working on that has you excited right now?
Do you have anything fun coming up?
How is [thing they mentioned last time] going?
That last one is the most underrated. When you remember what someone told you and come back to it later, you're communicating something without saying it out loud: I was paying attention. You mattered enough to remember.
Level Two: Go Somewhere
Level Two questions create a different kind of conversation. Research shows that asking someone about their goals produces a response similar to actually achieving them — the question itself does something.
What's your biggest goal right now?
What are you learning these days?
What's been weighing on you lately?
That last one takes trust. You can't drop it on someone in a hallway. But there's a version I've used in planning sessions with clients: What's the one thing most likely to pull your attention away from the next few hours? Same question, lower stakes. People name it, set it aside, and actually show up present.
Good questions create the conditions for people to actually be there.
Level Three: Where You Learn Who Someone Is
These aren't for first meetings. They're for relationships that have put in the work.
How do you feel most misunderstood?
What forces shaped who you are?
What's the proudest moment of your life?
And one I'd add that didn't make the original list: Tell me about one of your failures.
I came across this in an interview with the CEO of Duolingo — one of his standard hiring questions. Not to trip people up, but to understand how they see themselves. Does this person see failure as something that happened to them, or something they played a part in? That answer tells you more than a résumé ever will.
The Part That Actually Matters
Everyone talks about wanting more engagement from their teams.
Here's the plain version: if you're not engaged in your people, don't expect them to be engaged in the work.
These questions are a starting point. But they only work if you're actually listening after you ask them. One technique worth knowing — repeat the last three words someone says back to them. It sounds too simple. It works. People feel heard, and when people feel heard, they keep going.
The full list of questions — all fifteen from Vanessa Van Edwards, plus a sixteenth — is waiting for you in Episode 183.
References and Downloadable Resources
Leadership Guide: 183 — The Three Levels of Connection
Episode 106: The Three Levels of Connection
Vanessa Van Edwards: GLS 2022 Resources
Vanessa Van Edwards: Science of People
Debra Fine: The Fine Art of Small Talk